de[in]cision

The bird in hand looks deep into my eyes, begging me for leniency. And while killer instinct swarms my mind, it is the fear of failure that keeps my finger off the trigger. Excuses arise to squander opportunity. They present themselves as hiding places fortified by logic, warm places to crawl inside and watch from afar. As for me, half hidden already, yet clutching this golden goose, I'm terrified that the effort required for success will be all for naught. But this is only true in a closed system where growth only happens when goals are reached. The truth of the matter is that the majority of learning takes place along the way, and happens regardless of the end result. So, it's with this realization that I set out, not to achieve but to grow, and express myself openly and artistically.

Time will tell.

An avenue to revisit an old idea presents itself before me in rewarding light. Usually of the mindset that forward progression is the only beneficial progression, I've found myself stopped at this crossroads wondering if it's worth it to excavate lessons long-learned. Perhaps there lies a kernel of inspiration off of which I can rebuild, but nothing short of a full reconstruction will give me artistic satisfaction. It was made for the market, true, but foremost it was made for me, and represents the strength of my skill. And while it's old and full of flaws, many may be excised with the tools I have uncovered since its creation.

The waiting game.

Unsure of the rules in a life of constant change, the only way I've survived is adaptation through improvisation. Perhaps that's why I shift my shape, to roll with the punches rather than drink them. It's hard being so many people, remembering who I'm supposed to be around whomever I'm with. "You're not acting like yourself" is a phrase I've heard, but never believed. The truth is, in those moments I am more myself than you may ever know. I don't know why I hide parts of my personality, even from those I care about. Maybe it's the same reason why I don't mix certain company, I'm just afraid that perceptions will change in a way that I have no control over. So I might pull back, I might hide, but know that it's more than likely a version of my psyche that you haven't met yet, peeking out its head to test the waters and see if a warm embrace awaits. While it's a cold and scary place inside my head, and full of dark and unsavory beasts, all each one wants is to be accepted.

Building Blocked.

Adrift within the boundless daydream, in search of clarity amongst the clouded mind, I ask myself questions to which the answers are already known. As if to give the quest more purpose, I allow myself to fall behind, knowing how well I respond to a challenge. I look to the weeks ahead and realize that I must fill them productively or risk a devolution at the hands of idle expression. Structure must exist as normalcy, and only then can it be balanced by relaxation.

rise and shine

In the clear of the morning clouds, the previous day's unfortunate emotion fades like the darkness succumbing to the rays of rising sun. The gentle scent of comfort that lies so close eases the tensions of the mind and gently rouses the conscious mind from dreamy slumber. A chance for new beginnings awaits summoning, knowing that such a simple request can yield the pattern of success reborn. It is the breeze of resurrection that ushers in the new week, and with it comes the anxious desire to thwart the idle threat. While it is important to be, it is equally important to do; doing defines being in this mad and busy world.

re:dedication

Cool clouds of over indulgence come to rain on my parade. The metaphoric mist hangs close to my skin, perspiring kisses to mock my dedication. Questions posed against my will bring an air of uncertainty, which, though unwelcome, freshens the debate. In the end I must rely on the confidence that got me here. Taking stock in the qualities of man and engaging in an act of planning in order to make it work. Life is a constant evolution of wants and needs; understanding the hierarchy is key the satisfaction of both.

Resting Heart Rate

Cocooned so tightly around a memory as if the slightest unwinding would mean forgetting every nuance. But awake within the comfort of this bed finds loneliness asleep nearby instead of the breath of warm inviting. The challenge stands to assimilate this new desire, but stay focused on the horizon. Time stands to do all that must be done, one must merely make the intention clear.

learning lessons

Brushed against the uncertainty of circumstance and wondering the reasons for it all, this cloud turns a temporary black in the clear blue sky. Inconvenienced to say the least, to say anything really, as all obstacles in life are moments to reflect and learn from the challenge at hand. And so, in observing the path in the context of the bigger picture comes the understanding and realization that neutrality of emotion may perhaps be the healthiest reaction to this disturbance.

London Bridge

Walls built long ago with the intention of forever fortifying against the intrusion of that barbed emotion crack and crumble around me in the wake of the new and genuine. A shiver of half excitement, half fright runs along the outer surface of my skin in a sensational reaction to the soft and gentle caress of her memory. The days go by too slowly, and I'm caught dreaming of the day when the walls have all fallen down.

best laid plans

Conjoined in a rhythmic architecture, vibrations of a constructed sound. The pervasive smile building and laughing throughout the tenement halls awakens a new understanding of possibility. Like the summer's light and breeze, warmth of sun, the dark corners clear with each caress. The flutter that takes aback knocks inside the chest of the prospective, and the resounding echo beats its own realization of souls in motion. Days and shadows grow longer, but for now it's morning in the timeline, and there's freshness in the air.

uh, flutter

Pursed lips speak in delicate embraces on an eve beset by moonlight. Intention fumbles through thought and logic before the warmth of desire takes its place as the motivating force behind the night. A reticent progression in which to savor the moment dictates pace, and the nervousness quickly fades into pecks of further conversation. And somewhere, lost under a pile of forgotten rubble, a spark.

back to the track.

Fretting as the seconds tick by like the fraying of a carpet's edge, worried that the infinity of time will not be long enough. It comes down to dedication. That resolved determinism which exists in black and white knowing there is no middle ground in progress. Comprimise may be necessary to accomodate all endeavors, but single mindedness completes tasks. When you sit in the chair and close the door, the work gets done. It's as simple as that. There's no room for excuses in the ether of creativity.

Welcome.

stunned in the wake of new life's issuance, time eddies in a contemplative backwater of reflection. To see firsthand the birth of consciousness and watch as magic fills the void with being alters my perception of existence and reality. Light behind blue eyes, searching for warmth and safety in the cold and blinding darkness. Welcomed by love, the child falls asleep in the arms of fawning family and dreams the blank slate dream of innocence.

Ami and Syd had their baby today. I was in the hospital filming the moment. Today I did not write.

Blasé

Carelessness and nonchalance encircle me, generating a dangerous cloud that blinds my reason. Doing without thinking has its benefits, but more often than not, it's my thoughts which save me from the slippery situations that plague a mind like mine. Funny, considering it's all in my head. Last night, every one was screaming to get out, and the only thought that made sense to me was happy knowing how many different perspectives I had. Returned to the voice which matters most, I understand that logic has it's purpose, and I must trust it to guide me through. There is much to do, and I've got to hustle to grab my piece.

Inspired by Clown School.

In the most reasonable understanding of Einstein's relativity, the hours went by in an ease which was not surprising. Interestingly, I could have sat on a stove that entire time and remained transfixed. No pain could distract me. How could it compete? It couldn't, the only candle to be held would be an identical flame. And so I wait until the next moments, eager to devour even the smallest seconds to feed the appetite of this starving psyche.

Big game hunter.

Like trophies these thoughts hang decapitated on my wall, pinned there for proof that they were once had. I keep them there, afraid that if I don't, I will forget them and their meaning. A worrisome braggart I stuff and mount memories, holding tightly to the values I've assigned, but all this leads to tension and I grow weary. Slowly the realization surfaces that thoughts and ideas are living, and I should not cage them, but feed and nurture them so they stay close and become part of my immediate world. The open mind is one in which the dynamism of life runs freely.

Hide, or go seek.

In a shotgun search, emotional concern falls to the rear. And while compassion remains in sight, the truest aim stands leveled at the desire of the self. The query can not yield authenticity if the wants and needs are relegated to a secondary stance. In a rare case, selfishness is vital, for it provides the connection and understanding of happiness; deferment only prolongs the inevitable collapse. And as if it were a hunt, the outcome of which determined survival, the seriousness with which it all takes place needs to vanish with the realization that it's all in good fun. The winners are those who've figured out that it's a game, and the goal is just to play.

Fire in the sky.

Lights explode like new thoughts, curious in my mind. The trepidation surrounding the moment dissipates as the initial sparkle fades into the night and all that's left is the remnant of the colored light. And as the fear fades, and the haze of smoke clears, luck swoops to force the hand that shakes with indecision. After an awkwardness, calm pervades the space between, and the blunted mind does all it can to fumble through a routine so over-thought that it's grown anxious limbs. In the end what matters most lies in the commitment of action and the introduction of something new.

Sing a Song of Sixpence

I must learn the difference between knowing the path and walking the path, and be comfortable doing so. This is not the time to hide, but the time to shine, to lead, to sing loudly the songs of life and like the pied piper bring the world along on the greatest ride of my life.

Vacation, Day 5

The beautiful shine burns through to shimmer gilded crests like gold leaf atop the rolling ocean. In the final moments, before the peak and collapse upon the sandy bank, the face swells and the gold reflection opens up like a blossom of blinding light.